Learning to Be Alone and Joining Substack

Today, I woke up at 10 a.m. (early for me), got dressed, put on makeup, and left the house. And, yeah, that sounds like a pretty normal day, nothing special. But it was special for me.

The past few months, whether it’s been the dark and bitter winter, my striking lack of positive relationships, or my almost incapacitating need to do something special with my life, I’ve been probably at the lowest I’ve ever been in my life. I turned 19 in January, and this wave of depression hit me, this gut-wrenching feeling that I hadn’t done nearly enough with the yeats I’ve been gifted. A feeling I’m sure everyone experiences at some point, but for me, it felt suffocating.

During high school, I never stayed at a school for more than a year. After graduating, thinking it would be a good idea to take a gap year, I realized I was left immensely lonely and unfulfilled. I had no childhood friends to meet up with for coffee when they visited for winter break, something everyone else around me seemed to have. In this digital world, I have collected a plethora of Instagram followers from all the places I’ve lived, but I only have a handful of people who I could hit up to hang out with; all of whom live very far away from me.

I consider myself to be a kind, bubbly, and very social person, and others agree. But the past year has been an important reality check for me.

I have to learn how to be alone.

Being on my own has been a very humbling experience. With no one to distract myself with, whether in person or over text, I have to sit with my thoughts and reflect on my life. Along with some other challenging events in my life, this isolation caused me to spiral into a depression. Something I’m still trying to climb out of as we speak.

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this, COVID was a very isolating period for me. But when you’re younger you don’t entirely understand the velocity of rotting in your bed and reflecting on your past and future. I was in 8th/9th grade during COVID and felt lonely, but never unaccomplished. Now I’m graduated and have no excuses for being isolated.

Instead of spending more of my time feeling bad for myself, I’ve decided to fully embrace my loneliness. Rather than feeling “alone”, I can improve myself. Rather than bed-rotting, I can learn to do fun things on my own. Rather than crying, I can distract myself with hobbies and things that I truly love. That’s why I decided to start Substack. For myself, so I can track my experiences and progress. And aid in my passion for writing, no matter what it is that I’m writing about.

Something I’m learning is that being lonely isn’t a bad thing. Being lonely is a chance to be selfish without anyone calling you out for it. It’s a chance for you to fully invest all your time into loving yourself: who are and who you can become. Being lonely is figuring out who you are when no one else is in the room. Sometimes you discover things about yourself that you never would have discovered had you been focused so much on other people and how you could fit in with them.

A couple days ago, I went to therapy. I complained about who tired I was doing nothing. And my therapist, bluntly told me, that I’m the only one that’s preventing myself from doing things. Nothing else in my life is preventing me from enjoying my life. She told me that after I left, I should go and do something for myself.

So, I did. I went to the library, 5 minutes away from my house that I’ve never bothered to explore for the 2 years I’ve been in the area. I got a library card, took out a book, and sat outside in the sun. The sun that I haven’t appreciated in a very long time. My freckles came out, my cheeks got a rosey tint. I read for an hour. Then went for a drive with my sunroof open, I went to Trader Joe’s and bought myself flowers.

It was a perfect day. I romanticized every moment of it. And I did it all on my own.

Now, instead of sleeping for the whole day. I set my alarm and put on a cute outfit and cute makeup. I try to do things that make me smile at no cost.

I’ve stopped worrying about if I’ve done “enough” with my life, and instead worry about if I’m doing things that make me happy. Because life is beautiful, if you make it beautiful. And I’m striving for a life I can be proud of.

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